When Everything Stands Still

Thank you to my supporters who have continued to support me through these long silences. In June I moved to the UK and have been in the process of waiting to move into our new place basically since then. It's been a very scary experience of not knowing and it's drained me of some of my creativity, along with health scares and just generally realizing how traumatic this year has been no matter how hard I try to embrace the excitement of living somewhere new.

I started getting anxious almost immediately and so tried starting up an embroidery project and got an outline done before setting it down out of losing heart. I tried picking up quilting with some inexpensive fabric I got and have all the pieces cut and some squares joined, but then I lost heart and set it down as well. I did manage to start and finish some art that I hope to share at a later date, at least.

It's easy to forget that artistry isn't all about finishing a product, but about exercising or learning an art as your body or mind needs to flex those muscles.

I've also picked up Procreate Dreams and am very intimidated by it, but excited to learn the interface. I'm all over the place and unfocused on any single thing because I don't really know where I am supposed to be.

Ever since getting Covid and getting so sick in the year since and trying desperately to continue to be safe while 99% of everyone else has stopped masking is exhausting beyond belief. I genuinely feel like I will never be able to set foot on a stage again and perform and make work. When I think about where I belong in theatre, it seems like there is no place for me. To have worked so hard on overcoming stage fright my whole life and finally get to places where I can stand up for myself only to have the ability to set foot on a stage made nearly impossible.

Theatres have shown me at every turn that I am no longer welcome in it and I worry about what will happen to all of the artists who cannot step away from the stage in order to protect themselves. I wonder how many gifted artists we will lose or never hear from because they cannot risk being in a room with an audience that won't mask or work in a space that doesn't have clean air.

While I am dealing with this sadness and loss, I am also desperately trying to find a job and terrified about having to basically leave behind teaching theatre and performing for things that I have no idea how to do and feel so uncertain about. I am at the point where I need work and am nearly out of savings and we haven't even moved yet. I constantly feel like a burden and there is no overcoming that feeling until I figure out what work I can do. Couple that with the absolute lack of desire to exist in a capitalist system and I have no idea what I am supposed to do.

I have to foster a small candle in my heart and keep it alight, to have a hope that cannot be blown out by all of this. I have to find some small thing and chip away at it like a sculpture. I have dreams of helping and making art and of collaborating and making people smile and laugh.

This ramble, I hope, helps you know where I am at right now. I am sorry I have little to show for the past few months, but it doesn't make me any less of an artist and if you are in the same boat, know that you too are an artist even when the world seems to stand still and your art is not externalized in a finished product.

It is enough to scrawl on a napkin, to write in the margins, to speak to the mirror, or play a single note on the days that the world stands still.