just fucking suck it up

this is a free public post. i am a formerly homeless physically & mentally Disabled survivor of extreme violence. please consider supporting me, to help en-able me to continue to fight for justice. it means a lot to me, thank you so much💙 [blue heart]

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content note — s--cide, ab-se, saneism, bad life shit, the usual

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almost nobody shows me grace. not even my own (past) friends, thankfully most of those people are now (in my) past (life), not present. no wonder i constantly feel misunderstood => lonely => suicidal.

almost nobody shows me grace.

it's one of the most heartbreaking things about my life, especially my adult life away from my abusive parents. i expected better out of life, i expected better out of the world, i expected better out of other people. from life, from the world, from other people. i can write, & that's about it. & i can only write bc i wrote "obsessively" as a teenager, bc it was the *only* thing i *could* do. i've never taken a writing class by choice, i learned english bc my father abused me out of speaking my first 2 languages & my father abused me into speaking english, & i am physically incapable of reading books. i feel sharp pains in my head when i try to read books, but i can read online articles once in a while, & i've been able to read race & gender discourse posts on capitalist social media platforms written/created by non-academic people during my good years.

in 2014-2015, i attempted suicide a lot, i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, i was living with my worst abusers, & then spending most nights in my car, either not sleeping all night, or sleeping in my car for a few hours. but i could write cutting, insightful analyses about race & gender on tw*tt*r every day, at all hours of the day & night, so everybody assumed i was able/d. (just like i can write cutting, insightful analyses about race, gender, & power right now. but i couldn't really, from 2015-2023.) i am not. i am extremely, extremely, extremely mentally disabled. i am in constant severe physical, mental, physical-mental pain that is very hard to talk about, or explain, without others gaslighting me, or ostracizing me, or shunning me, or avoiding me, or even abusing me. without others thinking that i must be "crazy", i must be "making things up".

i have always tried hard to appear good. so that i am more believeable. so i try hard to appear good. to try my best to never be abusive, to never be exploitative, to never pressure anybody to give me the help that i desperately need to survive (especially not after 2015, a year during which i was *very* homeless — since the severity waxes & wanes). to never speak out loud just how much pain i'm in just in case somebody thinks it means i'm manipulating them. because i can't trust that other people know how to take care of themselves, & their own boundaries, & communicate them. i do. i try to own my own responsibility to communicate, but i concede that for me, too, there are circumstances that make it difficult for me as well, usually along the lines of — you guessed it — somebody else having more systemic power than me. the thing is that i rarely hold that systemic power over other people. but most people don't realize that, bc i can write well, bc i am "articulate", bc i have followers on social media again, bc i'm non-Black non-Indigenous light-skinned east asian/chinese, bc i'm not screaming out loud (not that most people would treat me better if i were! that's the thing!). so when they say no to helping me, they don't realize how much pain & misery that puts me in. but *they* get to move on with their lives. they don't need me.

i have always tried hard to appear good. so that i am more believeable. so i try hard to appear good. to try my best to never be abusive, to never be exploitative, to always be fair & just & kind. it doesn't seem to matter. most people want to harm me, anyway. or at the very least, most people *still* dislike me. *especially* if they knew me, (even more) unmasked (in the neuro-atypical sense).

anyway, it's not fair that i have to work so hard to "be good". i don't think all of us insane people should have to work so hard. i don't think insane people should have to work so hard. i don't think that we need to "appear good"/learn how to "appear good" to deserve respect, but i know nobody is going to give it to us if we don't. (and the people who share my intensity of insanity, most of them *can't* try to "appear good". they literally don't have the *ability*.) i know it's not fair that *i* have to work so hard, too. but i *have* to be like this. it's the one blessing i have, i think. a privilege. privilege: something that i did not earn, that i do not deserve any better than anybody else. my privilege is that i can write, & under more ideal circumstances, i can *appear* to be non-insane quite well sometimes.

not from early 2016 to maybe, this year. and i have been the least popular, the least liked, the most isolated, the most friendless & depressed & suicidal, in the last 7 years, than i had ever been in my entire adult life (which started in 2008).

for over 7 years, it's been impossible for me to *act* neuro-normative. which means that i did not have the *ability*. i didn't have it before either, to be clear, but i still acted fairly more "normal", my more psychotic & manic & shut down selves were suppressed for years. wow, i don't know if i've ever articulated that before, & *especially* not in public. i don't even think anybody reading this can even *understand* what that means, if i don't explain it in more detail. & i just can't right now, i'm too tired.

anyway.

for over 7 years, it's been impossible for me to *act* neuro-normative. & i have had the least support & friends & stable housing & resources, in those 7 years. "activists" have treated me like the social plague. "activists" & "good" people have ostracized me.

huh. i wonder why... 🤔 [thinking face emoji]

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most people make a lot of assumptions.

most people are not grounded in reality, i observe. they only believe in what they *want* to perceive and believe about the world, based on their own biases, emotions, traumas, internalized beliefs, culture, social norms, etc. — and also, based on what they *wish* were true. people believe, perceive, experience the world through the lens of their own dreams. most people just don't know it, & they usually won't admit it to themselves. you, too, like me, are powered by wishful thinking.

most people are not grounded in reality, i observe. they only believe in what they *want* to perceive and believe about the world, & about their life, & about themselves, & about the people around them, & about how the world works — based on their own dreams, desires, wishes, wishful thinking, hopes, hopes & dreams, — biases, emotions, traumas, internalized beliefs, culture, social norms, — *etc.*

it's psychologically protective. (fuck western psychology! *this doesn't mean i'm pro-psychology in any other region! i don't have enough experience of psychology in other regions!*)

i am a very emotional human being, but i still like to try to observe & analyze & understand interpersonal interactions from a perspective i consider to be grounded, grounded in what i consider to be objective reality. of course, others might still feel like it is subjective. it is heavily influenced by my values, but also it is heavily influenced by what i think i observe materially about the world, & the way power dynamics play out. my values are in seeking out & knowing the truth, even if the truth makes me feel bad, sad, bad about myself, sad about myself, or traumatizes me. i think this is why most people avoid reality. the reality of not only other people's actions, but their own. the reality of the impacts of their own actions, & other people's, as well.

the truth might/would make them feel bad, sad, bad about themself, sad about themself, or even traumatize them.

i try to see things from other people's perspectives, even when they harm me. i know that none of them want to afford me the same grace.

maybe, they — the lower-level harmers, anyway, not the outright abusers who i'm sure don't even care (which is bad!) — don't even *know* how (which is bad!). but that's not an excuse i'm making for them. it's just another possible fact of reality that i'm observing.

maybe, they don't even *know* how to give grace to crazy psychotic super-traumatized human beings, like me.

perfectionism is white supremacist culture. perfectionism is policing. i can imagine now an abuser using these sentences to excuse their actions: "see? i'm just not perfect!" i mean low level misunderstandings, & uncomfortable feelings.

i think i've had a very atypical life, & i have a very atypical experience of the world, & how i see the world, maybe.

what's interesting to me is that these days, within certain groups of people who consider themselves to be "activists" or to do "mutual aid", homelessness is now assigned a positive value socially. which is, of course, the very opposite of the perspective of dominant white supremacist capitalist society. "this person is homeless; therefore, we help them." or, "this person is/was incarcerated; this person is impoverished; this person is an abuse survivor. therefore, *they* are the kind of person we help."

yet i have never been so rejected, been so betrayed, as an impoverished, often homeless, housing-unstable insane disabled survivor of gender-based violence, multiple psychiatric incarcerations, & police violence, as i have been rejected & betrayed by so-called "anti-capitalist" "abolitionist" "activists" who preach publicly the loudest about "community care" for homeless people, impoverished people, incarcerated people, survivors of violence.

it's charity work.

a social clique of "activists" is just another nuclear family, & the nuclear family is THE unit of usameriKKKa — it's the unit that upholds & actively continues, actively helps march on, capitalist white supremacist individualist values. that's something that's been in the back of my head for a while that i've been wanting to say, but i've been too scared to say out loud, bc i have a *lot* of self-doubt seeded in me by my abusers & most people i've met & this abusive society in general, honestly that's (that self-doubt is) a big reason why i'm constantly suicidal.

anyway, other suicidal mad disabled autistic neuro-atypical impoverished "disability justice activists", & people in general, who even talk about saneism & ableism, have *also* lashed out at me or gotten upset at me or even punished me (good ol' policing!) for not understanding ableist white [supremacist] / usameriKKKan or "normative" social norms, or how to speak english "properly" or "respectably".

it's hard being disabled, even moreso to be mentally disabled & unable to communicate or function. so, so, so hard. more able/d people take so much for granted. they move through a world that works for them, the more able/d they are. this world is actively hostile towards me, & the ableist [white/ supremacist] usameriKKKan way is just to say, "suck it up & stop complaining. just deal with it." i *am* dealing with it. the only way i can deal with it is if i try to change it. but i'm not going to "suck it up", & i'm not going to "stop complaining".

let me say that again:

this world is actively hostile towards me,
& the usameriKKKan way is just to say,
"suck it up & stop complaining. just deal with it."

i am dealing with it. the only way i can deal with it is if i try to change it.

but i'm not going to fucking suck it up, and i'm definitely not going to stop fucking complaining.

we live in an anti-survivor society, in usameriKKKa. it is a huge problem in the so-called "abolitionist" "transformative justice" "restorative justice" "leftist" "community/ies". it's also a huge problem in every other "community" in usameriKKKa, probably to an even *worse* extent. but i just wanted to name that it's a huge problem in the "community" where everybody loves to believe that they are *especially* morally "good". i am actually not okay with other people (or, you know, myself) killing themselves over preventable pain & trauma.

* but the decision is still only theirs, if they do.
& they shouldn't be blamed for doing it. ever.
this world, this suicidist society, people who hurt them, should all be blamed instead.

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this is a free public post. i am a formerly homeless physically & mentally Disabled survivor of extreme violence. please consider supporting me, to help en-able me to continue to fight for justice. it means a lot to me, thank you so much💙 [blue heart]