Posted by 水仙 on Jul 12, 2023
2021 july 5
a lonely dream
searching for an evergreen tree i planted in a forests 10 years ago
after we ended
i wrote thousands of poems & books
about weird fishes & how i needed
somebody to read with
my emptiness craving your fingers
in an endless hailstorm of misery
that summer of arpeggi poems
i screamed to myself out loud while eating thawed frozen mango in a plastic bag from the grocery store with my bare fingers while driving as sharp chunks of hail pelted my childhood car
on a tiny road to sacramento from the redwoods
where a bear had fallen off a cliff & died
that i would never trust a man again
/
2012 july 6
Can't
Two summers ago
I sat at that same chair,
at that same hour,
listening to the same songs.
It was another night that I wanted to watch
Clementine and Joel break each other's hearts.
It was another night that I wanted to watch
Mary Svevo and her helpless, hopeless
look when she realized that
Hearts Don't Lie. I don't think I've ever truly
fallen in "l---." It sounds like just another
dirty four-letter word to me. Doesn't it to you?
The way it curves around your cheekbones and
pierces your overpopulated cityscape teeth.
When I was 13 I was afraid that I would
never learn to love anyone. So I tried. I tried
again and again and in the end, I don't think I really can
or know how. I don't think it's possible. I don't think I really
have a heart. They opened me up once, you know: sliced me
shut when they realized that there was nothing. They saw nothing.
It was empty, all, all empty. I never met eyes that turned me or someone
I'd be crazy not to follow. Sorry, Radiohead. But I have yet to catch a weird fish.
So this is what I learned from Eloisa to Abelard: Hearts Don't Lie.
If you can say you are truly In Love
with someone,
then you never really stop.
I always stop.
That is how I know I am incapable of love.
Subscribe to 🌊水仙 shuixian✨
give me one 5 dollar bill
$5
Per month
— i will share new work when i want to. i do not share new work when i am not doing well. please treat your support as an ongoing commitment to solidarity, to another human being's struggle.
— thank you so much! 💘
buy me an oat milk decaf latte at the local financially struggling co-op café — $9
$9
Per month
buy me an oat milk decaf latte at the local financially struggling co-op café & remember to give the workers a 67% tip — $15
$15
Per month