when i turned 26 years old in a psych prison, a man who had drank a gallon of bleach told me that i'm beautiful

content — heavy, suicide, &c.

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2023 june 9th

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trust is more important than love.

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i pressed my own hand into my own forehead, & my other own hand into the back of my own neck, with my own consent.

i started crying, against my own will.

"i don't want to die," i started crying.

"i want to kill myself," i cried, in a different world.

"i don't want to die," i repeated, crying.

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"i want to kill myself," i cry, 5 years old.

"i don't want to die," i cry, 5 years old, in the exact same millisecond.

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"i just want somebody to wave a magic wand & fix everything for me."

"but you know that that's not possible." the 2nd queer asian woman therapist i talked to in 2020 said to me.

i felt angry when she said that.

no, i didn't.

no, i don't.

i truly did not believe that that wasn't possible.

i truly believed in the existence of that magic wand, bc i needed one.

she broke the promise she made me when we started, just a few months later.

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"yeah, somebody raped me and told me he would kill me," i told her nonchalantly.

"that's fucked up," she replied.

is it? i thought, very sincerely.

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i was sitting in the driver's seat of a rental car while parked in the parking lot of a park at the top of a hill in the first week of january 2022. i fell asleep in the driver's seat briefly as the sun was setting. i felt so lonely & frozen & broken, i didn't even leave the car until after sunset.

"you seem to know a lot about therapy," the queer asian woman therapist i was doing a phone intake with, one of maybe literally 20 mostly queer mostly women asian therapists i interviewed that month, said, as i sat in the driver's seat.

"yeah. i do." i responded.

i never spoke to her again.

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when i turned 26 years old in a psych prison in 2016 after deciding/trying not to shoot myself, a man who had tried to kill himself by drinking a gallon of bleach told me that i'm beautiful.

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in 2023, my elderly chinese neighbour smiles at me every morning.

"you're beautiful!" she says every time.

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mi vecina mayor xicana hispanohablante always has conversations with me en español. she doesn't even care if i can understand it or not or if i respond or not & it always makes me laugh.

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in the first week of september 2023, i got my bivalent BA.x SARS-CoV-2 / COVID-19 booster vaccine.

i took 2 buses for 2 hours afterwards {while wearing an elastomeric respirator, for SARS-CoV-2 / COVID-19 safety}, bc that was when i started waking up every morning feeling like euthanizing myself.

so i decided to visit mum. the ocean.

in the dark, i ate a burger sitting outside alone at a picnic table near the sand.

a young Black woman laughed at me as she walked by with her friends.

i turned around, sad.

"oh, i'm sorry. you look beautiful, eating. i love seeing [girls*] eat," she said, laughing.

"thank you," i responded.

* i'm not a girl, woman, or femme.

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much like the rest of white supremacist capitalist usameriKKKa, therapists / "mental "health""care"" professionals harm the most impoverished human beings the most.

some therapists don't harm others as much. they are usually paid better, they usually have wealthier clients. & by wealthy, i mean, people who can pay for out-of-pocket therapy, that is not covered by insurance.

therapy / psychiatry as a system in usameriKKKa harms so many human beings, bc they work with some of the most vulnerable human beings alive, when those human beings are asking for help.

the entire medical-industrial complex harms other human beings, anyway.

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i've been reading a lot about parenting lately. & if we want to parent in a way without abuse & violence & punishment, we allow natural consequences to play out by themselves. if you don't wear a jacket, you’ll get cold. you don't need to repeat this fact to a child who's not listening; they will learn on their own, when they refuse to wear the jacket.

if you hurt somebody, they never have to talk to you again.

if you're an adult, i believe that most of the time, mental, etc. disabilities notwithstanding, you have a choice in how you treat the people you say you love.

even when you don't believe that you have that choice.

and you can always choose better.

otherwise, there would be no point.