this is a free public post. i am a formerly homeless physically & mentally Disabled survivor of extreme violence. please consider supporting me, to help en-able me to continue to fight for justice. it means a lot to me, thank you so much💙 [blue heart]

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CONTENT WARNING: EVERYTHING

2023 june 27

i have several drafts of the following post dated 2023 february 9, plus a new not-completely-related-except-for-one-phrase-but-you-know-they-are-all-connected-right draft i wrote while dissociated at the end of may 2023, bc i certainly don't remember writing it, much like i don't remember writing most things i write...

yesterday, i told them the truth, & they happened to be around to hear it. a dear friend of mine, i haven't felt safe to call anybody "a dear friend" in years. they happened to be around.

"hey i'm slipping
i just am at my limit
like i just want to pick a day & end things
but i know i probably would back out at the very end
& not actually go through with it
it feels like everybody turns on me in a second
& nobody is predictable"

"Makes sense that we're always afraid at the end"

"It just doesn't feel right that assholes get to stay [live], and not you," they said, & it was maybe the most convincing thing that anybody had ever said to me.

Life is just made up of little moments. Little memories. I don't forget things. Everything burns into my brain as a scar. Things that happened 20 years ago still hurt, stuffed sadness into a tiny little pinhole in my heart, spilling out in also-suppressed desires for violence, a violence that i do not act upon against other people, but i am happy to choose to sacrifice myself in the process.


These days, I have an unpredictably predictable spiral at least once per day. Our lives affect one another, we forget this. As a child, because I didn't really have parents, I took very seriously all of the sentimental Hollywood movies about chance & fate & serendipity & how a small gust of wind can cause a hurricane somewhere else. I would like to think of that as my choice, but as I write this, I realize why. lately i have been trying to understand the confusing choice i made as a small young child to *not* be like my parents or my family, a child's most significant influences, or the racist white kids & the racist white teachers at school, who all were the only human beings i ever came into contact with, anyway.

but as i write this, i see why. i hear it in a tiny voice in myself, finally: why i chose to follow the path of Sailor Moon instead of the daily violence i suffered every day from almost everybody i ever came in contact with.

i wanted to love horrible people into changing. i wanted to learn how to love, & not repeat the same violence that was done to me. i didn't even know what cycles were back then, i didn't know the word "trauma" as a english-is-my-3rd-language-violently-abused-into-me-while-my-first-2-native-chinese-languages-were-abused-out-by-my-own-chinese-father 7-year-old in 1997.

i just know now that i felt stronger as a 3, 4, 5-year-old than i do now.

so that's it. i wanted to change them, but i couldn't. i still want to change human beings who harm others. i change myself every day, to the point where it is exhausting. they said to me yesterday "I was about to say maybe you can obsess over fighting unfairness or something" but i had already pre-empted them by saying that i already do. "i already fight for justice for other people who aren't kind to me at all bc i tell them not to support sexual harassers", i said right beforehand. afterwards i said that after i started attempting suicide, and THEN an "anti-racist abolitionist" man/father of 2 young kids raped me when i was homeless, nonverbal, suicidal & told me he would murder me & refused to take me to the hospital when i told him that i thought i was dying & also told me that he would help me kill myself, & i attempted suicide many times more oftentimes once a day for a little less than a year, i went from for months praying 21 hours a day to turn back time bc i thought i must have fucked up bad somewhere in my life to feel this bad, to learning more & pummelling my brain with thoughts about feminism & capitalism & communism & racism & anti-Blackness & anti-Indigenousness & anti-Asian racism & gender & trans love / rage / justice & queer love / rage / justice & anti-queerness & anti-transness & violence & intersectional critical socio-political analysis on twitter for 21 hours a day, every day. for months.

/

i have been sitting on the following draft for months. in the end, it actually feels kinda anti-climactic to finally publish it.

START WRITING: FEBRUARY 9th, 2023 @ 7:35pm

"i should have seen the signs."

sometimes, i read youtube comments. it's a questionable pass-time, i know, but i secretly watch {what i would like to think as} wholesome enough yew chew burrs that their comments sections are pretty tame, funny/clever, sometimes even hopeful and encouraging.

for some reason, i sometimes find/read ones written by someone whose friend killed themself. "i always thought they were just a really good friend, always reaching out. i didn't realize that they just needed somebody to talk to. i should have seen the signs."

they should have seen the signs.

"I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE SIGNS."



I CARRY MY SIGN WITH ME. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANYBODY ANY KINDER TOWARDS ME.

after somebody kills themself,
their loved ones always say:

"WE SHOULD HAVE
SEEN THE SIGNS."


I CARRY MY SIGN
WITH ME
EVERYWHERE.

IT DOESN'T MAKE
ANYBODY
TREAT ME
ANY BETTER.

— "WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE SIGNS." I CARRY MY SIGN WITH ME EVERYWHERE. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANYBODY TREAT ME ANY BETTER. ,
2023 february 14

"WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE SIGNS."



I CARRY MY SIGN WITH ME EVERYWHERE.

IT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE MY OWN FRIENDS WANT TO HELP ME.

i carry my sign with me. it doesn't make almost anybody act any kinder towards me. in my head, i was so naïve, so innocent, so trusting. i naïvely believed that showing people my sign would mean that they would know how to act more caring towards me. if somebody else tells me that they're suicidal, i usually know what they need {OTHER than just, you know, the complete & utter destruction of capitalism} —

they usually just need:
a real friend.
somebody to talk to, who is safe, loving, kind, supportive, validating, nonjudgmental, & generous.
{more money, more food, & safe(r) housing, if they're poor.}

Our capitalist system, AND our capitalist interpersonal social culture, rewards individualism in hefty doses.

Capitalism deeply rewards the disposal of the human beings whom people with more systemic power find "inconvenient".

Thinking of certain human beings as " ' inconvenient ' to the majority", & treating their lives & feelings as disposable, is quite literally eugenics.

Nobody asked anybody to be a martyr.
I'd hope that most people just hope that people show any bit of care.

"we are relational creatures.

our lives & deaths impact one another."

her words keep ringing in my ears, ever since i read them at the end of july 2022.

do they?

does mine?

Does mine impact yours?

non-insane people don't like insane people, now this is a fact.

look me in the eyes & tell me that you have the same love for a screaming stranger in a psych prison as you do for your best friend.

i would love a screaming stranger in a psych prison, because i choose to love. i choose to have that love.

i choose to love.

i choose to love.

plus, i don't even really have any "best friends" anymore, anyway.

but you wouldn't love somebody like that. especially, a stranger? of course not.

i know you wouldn't.

Do "crazy people" in locked wards deserve love?

The kinds of people whom their "friends & family", if they ever had any to begin with, give up on, as a "lost cause", & shunt away into hiding, into psych prison?

Do you believe that they do?

Because I do.
Because my entire experience of my entire life is closer to that, than most of you out here, on the outside.

nobody tells me "don't kill yourself, you are so loved".

because they know i was not loved.

& in this society, we believe that we deserve what we have. even so-called "anti-capitalists" — well, the neoliberal usameriKKKan fake ones, anyway — are under this spell, even though if that were truly true, we would all equally have food & shelter & healthcare already. but we do not.

& in this society, people {are led to} believe that other people have what they deserve. so if nobody loves you, there must be something wrong with you, right?

who loves the screaming human being in psych prison? the mentally Disabled human beings whom their "families" have given up on, & whom they throw into an institution to forget about, a shameful whisper nobody ever likes to bring up at holidays' dinnertime?"

— " Untitled.txt ", 2023 march 26

"i didn't know.
i should have seen the signs."

I carry my sign with me.
It makes people run away.
Sometimes, I feel like I'm alive only as a favour to everybody who’s abandoned me.
So they won't feel guilty.
Just kidding. Apparently people excuse themselves with a hefty dose of cognitive dissonance, anyway.
As I move through so-called "healing" towards seeing the world from a supposedly more "normal", "neuro-typical", "indoctrinated reality" {*my coining} perspective, I am starting to understand why.

Cognitive dissonance has a hefty psychological benefit.

You'd probably go insane knowing how much you, as an average human being, harm other human beings, just by living under white supremacist capitalism.

You'd be just as insane as me, if you really stopped to think about it.

"Our lives & deaths impact one another."

Do they?

It doesn't seem like mine sure matters very much to most people.

I have to deliberately stop myself from constantly checking in on other human beings I know who are suicidal, when I myself feel so awful, but I only ever choose to stop after I know for certain that they have other people to talk to — usually, people I've introduced them to.

"we are relational creatures.
our lives & deaths impact one another."

DO THEY?

i never "ghost" human beings whom i'm close to, or who are in need, or whom i've promised to help.

Other people "ghost" me.

And then they always try to come running back to me & apologize, years later.

As if they didn't make a deliberate choice not to save my life in the moment.

Or, you know.

At least, the choice to be a halfway-decent human being, & at least communicate something, instead of just ignoring me.

am i so selfish to want my life to be saved?
why do these housed "homelessness activists" acknowledge the pain of somebody else, but not mine?

i can't survive without support, either.
none of us can survive without support from others.

i can't survive without support from strangers, either.

i LOVE { tone: sarcasm } seeing the same people who abandoned,
or WOULD abandon, ME

for becoming/being Disabled,

fundraise & donate & "do mutual aid" for

OTHER Disabled poor people

because it gives them a nice feeling that

they did something CHARITABLE that day,

for the MORE PALATABLE "victim" of

white supremacist capitalism that they can imagine,

not making THE SIMPLE FUCKING CONNECTION that THE VERY SAME

saneism <=> ableism <=> abandonment

that THEY put ME through

is ALSO what forces the people

whom they're doing CHARITY work for

TO BECOME DISABLED & HOMELESS & POOR.

because i literally became MORE

Disabled & homeless & poor

BECAUSE OF THE EXACT SAME {KINDS OF} PEOPLE WHO ABANDONED ME

who are "donating" & "fundraising"

& "doing mutual aid" today.

you only care once it makes
YOU

LOOK.

GOOD.

it's SOCIALLY VALIDATING

to think of yourself

as "one of the good [housed? privileged? comfortable?] ones"

just like whites do, with regards to racism.

i've mutually supported a lot of fellow suicidal human beings. & in my observations — & i think about pain, & who suffers the brunt of systemic oppression the most, a LOT — it seems that chronically suicidal survivors of prolonged child sexual abuse { especially racialized survivors, especially trans / queer / marginalized gender survivors } are probably some of the people in the most utter bodymindheart pain & hopelessness that is possible for human beings to experience.

not only are we in pain, but everybody is scared of us, & nobody wants to help us, or even talk to us.

You get pushed out for speaking up.
"Popular" people maintain their power for a reason.

the people with the least power
hurt other people the least
because they have the least power to.

Nobody cares if anybody hurts you, if nobody cares about you.

I thought "homelessness activists" would know this more than anybody?

Nah. I guess you don't really know it until you live it.

Nobody cares if the state hurts you, if every "ordinary citizen" around you already abandoned you for being poor & homeless & crazy & disabled & neuro-different. Undesireable.

Nobody cares.

Until a random charity worker stranger {aka "grassroots mutual aid volunteer"} cares, anyway.

Unless you don't look like their ideal imagination of a victim of white supremacy & capitalism.

Nobody cares if anybody hurts you, if nobody cares about you to begin with.

Nobody cares if anybody hurts you, if nobody cares about you.

"it's the truth. nobody cares if anybody hurts you, if nobody cares about you." i said to somebody recently.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE SANEISM EXISTS.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE KNOWINGLY ABANDON SUICIDAL HUMAN BEINGS, & THEN CONVENIENTLY TELL THEMSELVES THAT THEY DIDN'T CONTRIBUTE TO THE SUICIDAL HUMAN BEING'S DEATH.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE RAPISTS EXIST.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE SANEISM & RAPISTS EXIST.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE SANEISM & RAPISTS EXIST.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE SANEISM & RAPISTS EXIST.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE SANEISM & RAPISTS EXIST.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE SANEISTS & RAPISTS EXIST.

The systemic oppression of Suicidal People goes like this:

The systemic response to Suicidal People is basically usually involuntary "treatment" — forced drugging & incarceration.

Since most Suicidal people are already aware of these consequences, silently threatened their entire lives by an anti-Suicidal-people society, aware of the fact that the non-Suicidal/anti-Suicidal individuals that they tell will probably force them into violently abusive treatment that they don't want, they never tell anybody.

Since most Suicidal people are aware that most non-Suicidal people have bad responses to somebody saying that they're Suicidal, that non-Suicidal people will try to call 911 on them, involuntarily commit them — they never tell anybody.

And if they go through with it,
they die alone.

Just like they're alone with their feelings, while they're still alive.

i want you to look me in the eyes & tell me that you really thought that this world would be better off without me in it.

because you knew.
yet this is how you treated me anyway.

& once again.

this applies to many, many, many people in my {past} life.

unfortunately.

i want you to look me in the eyes & tell me that you really thought that this world would be better off without me in it.

because you knew, yet you didn't do anything.

because you know, yet you don't do anything.

Lately we talk about how fake "leftists" 's betrayal hurts more than betrayal from somebody who doesn't call themself a "leftist". People who are open about their lack of genuine solidarity, you just don't expect much out of, to begin with.

i think the 2014 man who raped me (who, ironically, was also an "anti-racist abolitionist") telling me that he wanted to help me kill myself, is easier for me to accept than the actions of some of my "friends" who used to worship me until i got just a little bit "too" anxious for them.

Blame me for believing that "mutual" "aid" "activists" would care about other human beings without other human beings having to tell you their entire trauma history first.

Blame me for knowing that they wouldn't have treated me this way if I looked & acted differently (fucking classist, ableist, racist, anti-Asian racist [+ model minority myth, which pits Asian people against Black people anyway], & pointless, but okay).

Blame me for expecting "anti-capitalist abolitionists" to care about a Mad & Disabled human being, when most people who have gone through the trauma of poverty & incarceration end up Mad & Disabled.

I don't feel like I'm allowed to be myself in this world. I wanted to live in a world where people actively question their friends, when somebody tells them that their friends harmed them. I wanted to live in a world where the people who claim to care about certain issues, cared about the people who are affected and traumatized the most by those issues.

I don't feel like I'm allowed to be myself in this world. I want to live in a world where people actively question their friends, when somebody tells them that their friends harmed them. I want to live in a world where the people who claim to care about certain issues, care about the people who are affected and traumatized the most by those issues.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE SANEISM EXISTS.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE KNOWINGLY ABANDON SUICIDAL HUMAN BEINGS, & THEN CONVENIENTLY TELL THEMSELVES THAT THEY DIDN'T CONTRIBUTE TO THE SUICIDAL HUMAN BEING'S DEATH.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE RAPISTS EXIST.

I DON'T WANT TO LIVE IN A WORLD

[unfinished]

/

2023 june 27

mercy. my staying alive is mercy to everybody who has ever hurt me. i am saving you from the crushing shame & guilt that would destroy you, if you had to look in the mirror.

mercy, mercy, mercy.

one day, you will have to look into the mirror of your moral wounding of me.

when you hurt others, you are hurting yourself. i know this, which is why i try my best not to hurt others in the first place.

i am saving you from the crushing shame & guilt that would very likely destroy you. i don't trust that you are as strong as me. i'm worried about you, i am worried for you. i kinda don't think you could survive that pain, the way i've been forced to survive my pain, alone, by myself, every single day of my life.

/

2023 may 24

for a long time, i told myself the only reason to live was really to help others. dismantle ableism-white supremacy-cisheteropatriarchy-capitalism. it seems like a good reason, right?

it seems kind of unbelieveable, even to me, to be trapped in an endless constant severe pain for your entire life. a pain that nobody else even understands. a pain that you can't talk about, even to other people who think that they're going through the same thing. a pain that scares people so much that they will leave you outside on the side of the road & then ignore you for the rest of your life.

no matter how many people i help, it can never change the past.

i'm fine with being almost murdered as an adult. that wasn't actually that bad. okay, it was bad. but in the grand scheme of things, it really isn't the worst thing that's happened to me.

my childhood, stolen from me. a lack of socialization & any positive interactions for years is what made me hate white supremacy & capitalism & cisheteropatriarchy & all the interlocked systems of oppression so easily, from such a young age.

in january 2016, i screamed & cried in the basement flat in the middle of the night, in an obscure town in deutschland. then i went walking, took off my shirt, into an unknown grassy field alone, in the middle of the dark night.

i used to do that kind of dangerous shit, bc i didn't really understand life to be real or whatever it's seen as by most people.

in january 2016, i wrote a poem:

"i come from a long line of abusers", i wrote.

i can't find the poem right now.

but i was talking about generational trauma.

since 2015, a lot of people have watched from afar me suffer over the years. mainly, people who once called themselves my friends distanced themselves more & more from me. some of them, i didn't even talk to, before they either exiled me, or simply "gave up" on me. cruel. it's funny, because really, all i wanted was a friend. or, communication instead of a suddenly disappear.

i would rather receive communication that breaks my heart than be left with nothing but air.

i genuinely believe that every one of you has blood on your hands.

and i want you to live with the guilt forever.

but you won't. you'll reassure yourself that you're "a good person", because you're more invested in the same abuse culture that runs this entire society that none of you want to admit that you live in. the cognitive dissonance is so that you don't have to think one single thought about it at all.

after all, the capitalist workflow must go on after your optional one day off for "grieving" something.

{ and you could relate this to covid-19, as well. but i'm not going to, right now. because i already do so much for covid-19 is not over! activism. }

i grew up in deep isolation. i don't understand the world like you do. i don't see myself as different or "crazy" at all. everything that makes my bodymindheartsoulspiritself different, everything that saneist hegemonic society tells me i am supposed to hate & supposed to want to change & supposed to change about myself, is exactly what makes me me. it's what makes me such a fierce lover, a fierce fighter, a fierce existence. a fierce heart on fire. it's also what has kept me alive until now.

yet saneism, carceral compulsory neuro-conformity* tells me that what keeps me alive & makes me me, is everything that i should hate, everything that i should hate about myself, everything that i should go visit doctors & privileged non-insane non-disabled people who spent a lot of time & money at violently ableist institutionalized schools, to twist my mind back & forth & take pills & find ways to "get rid of" it.

* carceral compulsory neuro-conformity => also a phrase i coined

lately, i see the beauty in giving space for different experiences of the world. i don't presently have the energy

[unfinished]

/

2023 april 15

i know that in this world, people don't fight for people like me. they think that if people like me kill themselves, that it was inevitable, we were sick, insane, inherently diseased. it's a way to deflect from how much responsibility they really had. i don't mean to guilt survivors of a loved one's suicide where the loved one didn't actually tell anybody or ask for help. i'm talking about me. you knew, yet you didn't do anything.

you know, yet you don't do anything.

/

i want you to look me in the eyes & tell me that you really thought that this world would be better off without me in it.

because you knew, yet you didn't do anything.

because you know, yet you don't do anything.

cognitive dissonance has a hefty psychological benefit.

you'd probably go insane knowing how much you, as an average human being, harm other human beings, just by living under white supremacist capitalism.

you'd be just as insane as me, if you really stopped to think about it.

you'll reassure yourself that you're "a good person", because you're more invested in the same abuse culture that runs this entire society that none of you want to admit that you live in. the cognitive dissonance is so that you don't have to think one single thought about it at all.

nobody cares if anybody hurts you, if nobody cares about you.

i don't want to live in a world where saneism & rape exists

/

this is a free public post. i am a formerly homeless physically & mentally Disabled survivor of extreme violence. please consider supporting me, to help en-able me to continue to fight for justice. it means a lot to me, thank you so much💙 [blue heart]

* bro, relax. i'm publishing this bc i'm trying NOT to kill myself. stop reporting me on social media** , it is literally making it worse & is a smaller version of calling the cops (especially since Big Social Media Platforms** [not this site, though] will call the cops on people). i (& others i know) know WAY more about preventing suicide than those articles & "'mental "health"'"care"" professionals do, anyway.

** Comradery won't report me or do anything, i literally co-own it 😍 [heart eyes face emoji]