MER SEA

content — mentions of s**cide

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when i was 22, my ex hurt me on purpose. when i was 21, too, though. i was deeply angry, & there was a way for me to get revenge that i knew would absolutely crush him. he had already gotten his revenge on me for my traumatized behaviour that i couldn't control {that does not mean that the fact that i hurt him, doesn't matter. but for lower-level hurt, i believe that context & intention *does* matter}, several times by then.

but i chose not to, despite my history of being an extremely impulsive, at-the-time very reactive & not reflective, human being.

bc i knew how much it would hurt him.

it's these choices that may seem insignificant & fleeting to the average capitalist's mind.

{ and when i say capitalists, i mean literally *anybody* who is still loyal to capitalism, divide & conquer, including most members of the working class in usameriKKKa, & including most people in usameriKKKa who believe sincerely that they're "leftist". }

or maybe not, bc maybe most exes would have just taken the chance.

& oh, how i wanted to. i was severely suicidal depressed & constantly panicked, in large part triggered by him, i was too severely depressed constantly panicked & suicidal to work anymore since we broke up so i was impoverished & housing-unstable, i had basically no friends anymore, i had nobody i trusted in the universe anymore {he had been the only one i ever allowed that close to me} — i had all the reason{? did i, though? "objectively"?} to take that chance to hurt him on purpose, like how he hurt *me* on purpose.

reflecting today, well, i still can't let go. {if you're reading this, don't worry. i'm still working on it.}

i still can't let go bc i believe what i said, even though i felt a bit unsure about it after i said it. abuse is never okay {this is not related to my relationship with my ex, it's just a fact that i wanted to state, that is related to the next thought}, but i meant it when i said that love lasts forever.

in the belief that anything that has already happened, cannot be changed. it's history, & i don't mean that in a way where i believe that that means that we should forget about it.

so i was hesitant, asking myself if i really believed what i said

"love never really goes away, once it exists.

for anything, for anyone."

— https://comradery.co/shuixian/posts/650

bc most people who have been kind to me, have also been cruel to me, & caused me an immense amount of pain. i also don't trust the intentions of everybody — especially people who have been abusive to me.

but i thought about how insignificant a memory for you may be. the smallest gesture for you to do that you may forget in the next second, could mean an entire universe to somebody else.

either cruelty, *or* kindness.

{ you get that choice. }

so yes. many people have been cruel to me. many, many, *many* people have caused me unbearable & honestly unsurviveable depths of pain. but i still remember all of the acts of kindness that they gave to me, too, no matter how seemingly small. & even if i can claim to not love them anymore, what i know is that you can't change the past. the previous love / care / kindness held there, even if it was only for a mere millisecond, is now a fact. it is now an immutable fact of history.

it is now a part of the unending history of the universe.

"king saul fell on his sword when it all went wrong
& joseph's brothers sold him down the river for a song
& sonny liston rubbed some tiger balm into his glove
some things you do for money
& some you do for love, love, love

raskolnikov felt sick, but he couldn't say why
when he saw his face reflected in his victim's twinkling eye
some things you'll do for money & some you'll do for fun
but the things you do for love
are gonna to come back to you one by one

love, love is going to lead you by the hand
into a white and soundless place
now we see things as in a mirror dimly
then we shall see each other face to face

and way out in seattle, young kurt cobain
snuck out to the greenhouse, put a bullet in his brain
snakes in the grass beneath our feet, rain in the clouds above
some moments last forever
but some flare out with love, love, love"

— "love, love, love", by the mountain goats

i don't think i'm morally superior to anybody for not seeking revenge. i am supportive of intentionally thoughtful, politically grounded revenge that does not punch down [on those suffering/more marginalized than you].

for a systemic oppression context, i believe that oppressors need to know how it feels.

but to me, there are many different ways to take revenge.

and there's a difference between pressuring somebody to be accountable to you, & taking revenge on them.

and i like being strategic about what i want from people.

i have acted with deep mercy to a lot of people, especially people who have physically hurt me, even repeatedly. i'm not even sure any of them know or understand just how much grace i've given them.

the dictionary says that the definition of Grace is "Good Will".

my entire life, i have helped other people & directly benefitted other people's lives, while i myself have wanted to die. for just one example, i've helped jumpstart, or at the very least support, the eventually-very-financially-lucrative careers of *several* people while i was housing-unstable / homeless myself, who all then mistreated me to the point where i almost killed myself. it's a strange thing.

my existence is a strange thing.

but would i be less suicidal, if i were more supposedly [capitalistly, individualist-"self-care"-y] "selfish"?

i don't think so.

somebody asked me recently if i really am that good at getting what i want, since i constantly "express being in so much pain around my relationships with other people".

i answered that what i truly want, are things that i truly can't control.

what i truly want, are *truly* all things that i cannot have.

{ btw, fuck the "desire is suffering, & suffering is inevitable" bullshit, tbh }

things that i *need*, not just "want".

i *need* a perfect world where nobody is saneist to me, where *nobody* is racist or oppressive or abusive or capital/profit-driven to anybody else. { — & i already do, a lot, myself, to try to make this thing happen. but i know that the work is not going to be finished in my lifetime. is it too idealistic to say that i believe that there's a possibility that it *can* ever be "finished"? yet, we are always, always *growing*— }

i needed love from people who did not give me love.

{ and that isn't a fault of mine. contemporary narratives tell you that it is — "go to therapy", *fix* something about yourself that makes you want/need love from others...? }

i needed a better childhood that i did not have, & can never have — & so, this ties to my need of "a better world".

you could give me one million dollars tonight, & i'd most likely still want to kill myself. one billion, for sure as well.

sure, it would obviously be great to be able to pay my rent, & help other people as well pay their rent. not trying to flex, but i would definitely give most of that money away.

but it doesn't change a universe where i have disabilities that make society want to kill me. ableist society is trying harder to kill me than my disabilities are. ableist society wants to kill me more than my disabilities do.

it doesn't change a universe where non-Crazy people don't love the outlier experiencers of insanity. { i said experience-Rs, *not* experiencEs. }

& i mean it: *love*.

so i reflected today that the biggest reason i know it wouldn't work out with my ex ever again, is bc he now has exactly what he wanted back then: a lot of money & capitalist success.

i don't want money { but i need it, to pay my rent & help others }. i don't want power { but i need it, to get more human beings to listen to me, so that i can help myself & others }.

i need love.

i *need* love.

you know, sometimes what your enemy sees as your revenge, is actually redemption

yours & theirs, together

sometimes what your enemy sees as revenge is just you standing up for yourself.

sometimes what your enemy sees as revenge is just...

is just

justice

was it worth it?

was it worth it for me that i didn't take revenge on someone, when i could have?

i don't know yet.

was it worth it for me that i didn't hurt someone, when hurting them could have been seen as a form of "standing up for myself"?

i don't know yet.

was it worth it for me that i didn't take revenge on someone, even though i really, really, *really* felt a rage-driven, absolutely demanding urge within myself demanding myself to?

i don't know yet.

it is incredibly difficult, & it takes a lot of *intentional* effort, energy, & *pain* — to treat other human beings as what they truly are: human beings, who are just as real and being and human as you are.

i knew that already.

nobody wants to be nice { which is not *kind* } to a truly severely suicidal-every-second, severely literally-"psychotic", severely "mentally ill", severely disabled, & severely constantly angry against oppression human being, unless they're famous.

i knew that already.

i want you to love me, even when i'm absolutely useless.

to you, *&* everyone else.

i want you to love me when i'm useless to you.

i want you to love me, even when i'm "useless".

i want you to love me, even when i'm useless

i want you to love me even when i'm useless

i want you to love me

even when i'm useless

i want you to love me 

GRIEF IS UNENDING.