onions.txt

content — nightmares, "unreality" / "psychosis" / a different reality {a bad one!}, famous g*n*cidal white males

JUNE 2021

in the ER a week ago in a voluntary psychiatric hold for less than 24 hours, i dreamt living nightmares. they folded onto each other, like the layers of an onion. i rewatched shrek yesterday, with [SH]. i hadn't seen it in probably 20 years. not since it came out.

the worst nightmare, even worse than the nightmare where i was completely alone in the universe and had simply created and imagined all my friends and everybody else in the universe. time was frozen, and gOD said, there is no point to life. every night, they will smother you, euthanize you, and you will die. and there is no point to it.

the worst nightmare, even worse than that, was when time started again, and Time told me that i had ruined the world. that i was worse than h*tl*r. that i had destroyed most of the world's population.

i haven't awake-dreamed like that since tr*** was inaugurated, except this was actually way worse. these were the worst nightmares i've ever had.

i fought Time in my head, and they said, you can't stop this power, this power of destroying the world. no matter how hard you fight it, the worse you fight it, the more you will cause destruction.

and i fought it, and i said no. please don't. i don't want to go down in history as worse than h*tl*r.

so i used my power to imagine planting sunflower seeds. to cover the world with sunflower seeds. so that they may bloom one day, and reverse my destruction of the world. and that oppressed peoples worldwide would one day be free, and white supremacy could be abolished.

i wanted to plant sunflowers, so that they may bloom for you.

[PY] said i planted a seed of true love and care in somebody. i'm not so sure about that. the whole point was that nothing i did mattered to them. no matter how kind or loving i was, they still never wanted to change or be better to me.

time froze for me once, in reality. but i was 21. it took me many years of hard work to become a better human being. to learn how to communicate clearly. to learn that i could be better, even to people who didn't deserve a single millimetre of it.

i raised my voice for literally a few seconds yesterday, and it scared me. it scared me that i could lose my patience like that.

i planted those sunflower seeds for you.

i'm not sure if they’ll bloom.