Posted by 水仙 on May 13, 2023
content warning — s--cide
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2015 november 19, excerpt
the night i drove back to that house crying and screaming about capitalism what i was actually screaming about was how hard i fucked up and how fucked up this existence is that all we do is hurt each other
so, you know,
capitalism
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2023 may 12, unfinished
i think we all live our lives trying to avoid pain. i think the way this often manifests is that we end up causing pain to other people.
i've been writing about capitalism since 2015. that's the year i slept in my car & on a lot of random people i met online's couches after attempting suicide a bunch of different methods a bunch of different times.
i never tried hard enough to actually die bc i didn't want to hurt myself.
i never picked a more effective method bc i didn't want to hurt myself.
i didn't want to hurt myself.
i just didn't want to be here anymore.
i don't want to be here anymore bc "here" fucking sucks.
i've spent my entire life trying to escape pain. i won't universalize my experience + say "we" right now.
i have a very low tolerance for pain. you could word something slightly the wrong way, + i'll feel hurt + think that you hate me + want me to die.
i have a very high tolerance for pain. i survived extra-ordinary violence every day for decades.
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in 2022 april, i said:
being alive is more painful than being dead
— for some people, anyway. i added as a disclaimer.
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* disclaimer that i'm not encouraging suicide. i'm not responsible for anybody's choices.
i wish i didn't have to include this disclaimer.
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