you would like to think you would like me if you knew me, but you would really not like me if you really knew me

you would like to think you would like me if you knew me, but i think you would really not like me if you really knew me

you would like to think you would like me if you knew me, but i know you would really not like me once you really know me

trigger warning — s**cide, m*rder, d*ath

i think this is one of the most important words i've ever written, & the thoughts have been swirling around my head ever since my loved ones started abandoning me for being disabled —

i know that in this world, people don't fight for people like me. they think that if people like me kill themselves, or get killed, or die, that it was inevitable, we were sick, insane, inherently diseased. it's a way to deflect from how much responsibility they really had.

i know that in this world, people don't fight for people like me. they think that if a cop kills us, we must have done something to deserve our murder.

i know that in this world, people don't fight for people like me. they think that if people like me die, that we deserved it. they think that if people like me die, that it doesn't even matter. we are absolutely useless to society, a burden, a disgrace. we were sick in the head, and it was all our fault. ours, alone. alone. alone. alone. alone. nobody else's.

2023 april 15

i know that in this world, people don't fight for people like me. they think that if people like me kill themselves, that it was inevitable, we were sick, insane, inherently diseased. it's a way to deflect from how much responsibility they really had. i don't mean to guilt survivors of a loved one's suicide where the loved one didn't actually tell anybody or ask for help. i'm talking about me. you knew, yet you didn't do anything.

you know, yet you don't do anything.

2021 june 15
— letter to my ex, excerpt

i was so depressed in los angeles & san diego that year. 2018. driving around downtown san diego, my white woman medicaid therapist at the time made an exception for me and gave me a phone session. i asked her, "do you think i'll ever get better?" and she said, "yes. yes. i do believe you'll get better." i had spent most of the days since january 2012 wanting to kill myself. 2018 was especially bad, for reasons i can get into some other time. i woke up every single day with every single moment wanting to kill myself.

2023 april 15

i was in a psych prison that played the news on the tv every day when i found out chester bennington killed himself in 2017. a month later, i laid down on the grass at a park in seattle, feeling numb. i cried listening to Heavy, even though i felt nothing. i tried to feel something, do you understand? i tried to feel something.

— excerpt from bullets + windchimes, 2021 june 11.

is this art?

there are absolutely zero real spaces in this world for our selves to be truly honest with each other. even somebody as honest as me is scared of saying certain things, because i know that nobody else is.

nobody loves me. i know this for a fact; you don't have to lie to me.

i'm scared. i missed my delusions.

who cares if i'm different? apparently, you do.

i don't even think that i'm that insane.

being carved up from the inside every day as a child will do that to you.

EVERY SUICIDE IS A MURDER BY OUR SOCIETY

EVERY TRANS SUICIDE IS A MURDER

EVERY TRANS SUICIDE IN USA IS GENOCIDE BY OUR ANTI-TRANS COUNTRY

EVERY SUICIDE IS A MURDER BY OUR SOCIETY

EVERY SUICIDE IS GENOCIDE BY OUR SOCIETY

IF YOU ARE IN usameriKKKa, ASK YOURSELF: HOW AM I CONTRIBUTING TO THIS GENOCIDE TODAY? BECAUSE SO LONG AS CAPITALISM EXISTS, WE ARE ALL HARMING EACH OTHER IN SOME WAY. SOME OF US, MORE EXPLICITLY AND INTENTIONALLY THAN OTHERS, INCLUDING/ESPECIALLY IN OUR INTERPERSONAL INTERACTIONS AND RELATIONSHIPS, REGARDLESS OF HOW LITTLE OR HOW MUCH SYSTEMIC POWER WE HAVE OVER ANYBODY ELSE, REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH POWER WE BELIEVE THAT WE DO NOT HAVE.

HOW ARE YOU PERSONALLY CONTRIBUTING TO SYSTEMS OF OPPRESSION TODAY? WE ALL DO, ALWAYS ME INCLUDED.

I AM NOT PERFECT, AND I NEVER WILL BE.

PERFECTIONISM IS CRUCIAL TO WHITE SUPREMACY CULTURE.

AND IT IS SO HARD FOR ME TO ACCEPT THAT I CANNOT SAVE EVERYBODY WHO IS SUFFERING IN OUR FUCKED UP WORLD, ESPECIALLY WITHOUT HURTING MYSELF DEEPLY / LETTING OTHERS HURT ME DEEPLY, IN THE PROCESS.

2008 / 2013 / 2015 / 2016~2022 / 2023

i'm going to die alone

I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE

love never really goes away, once it exists.

for anything, for anyone.