this post is a lot about suicide 🤷‍♂️ [shrugging short-haired person emoji]

"You say that love goes anywhere.
In your darkest time, it's just enough to know it's there.
when you go, i'll let you be

But you're killing everything in me."

— Jimmy Eat World

THE DAY YOU DIED BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO, BY ANDREA GIBSON

...

and love was the only thing assumed
and

"love should have been enough"

someone without a heart might say

...

that’s what a word like heaven will do

but heaven wasn’t what you were aiming for.

You didn’t think the other side would be better.
You thought the other side would be nothing at all.

Imagine choosing nothing at all.

Imagine something hurting that bad.

...

it hurts me in my head now

how you knew the water

wasn’t deep enough to dive into

But I won’t let anyone say it was a shallow thing you did.

i knew it was your entire body finally pointing

saying

"HERE.
HERE IS WHERE THE PAIN IS."

and i can crush a can with the heel of my shoe

i can drive by your mother’s house if i want to

but i don't want to

she was there when you bought the ring

she knew how long you’d been saving

me, i didn’t save anything

but you don’t lose a person like a set of keys
'cause you don’t find them again
and you can still get to where you’re going.

...

So what I want most
is to live the rest of my life
desperately wanting to live it

I want to give that to you.

I want it to find you in the nothing at all.

And I want it to be something
When I say, “I want to make something of my life.”

That’s what I mean.

LISTEN.

Every hypocrite wants to posture that they "care" about "suicide prevention", not a single one of them wants to actually listen to an actual human being when they're suicidal.

THE PALATABILITY OF REGRET it is so much easier to say "it's okay to make mistakes" until you realize just how much those mistakes cost another human being. except most people, including most "social justice activists", don't actually give a shit about how much they hurt other people, especially other people with less privilege to protect them {sounds familiar, doesn't it?}.

today i communicated a boundary with somebody i barely know & told them they upset me, but i could tell they were sad & they didn't apologize bc they were more attracted to all of the pretty things i can say that validates to them that their negative feelings are valid & that their oppression is real & injust. you all think you love me bc i am good at my job; i am a poet about power, i am a poet filled with power. i know how to say beautiful words, but if you sit next to me in person, my brain will ramble & unravel, & i would probably cry & refuse to receive even a single word that you say.

& you will run away, just like everybody else does, bc Sick people are merely nothing but an annoying inconvenience to you.

THE PALATABILITY OF REGRET the words in that title have been ringing in my years i almost wrote ears for perhaps months now.

let me spell it out for you: Regret is much more palatable than actually making the effort to do the just thing in the first place in a world where injustice has no real negative external or systemic consequences to the harm-doer or their level of power. But we are creating a different, better, world, now, aren't we?

none of you could ever make it better for me so i will just sit alone at home & try to make art out of my unending grief that you all are such horrible suicidist saneist ableist western imperialist white supremacist capitalist eugenicist fascist creatures who would choose the easy thing over being respectful towards another human being's life, & you would do that & still in the end & go home & tell yourself you fought for "social justice" today.

& i'm not just talking about one of you or another, so if you feel guilty & ashamed, as you should.

all of you would put yourselves over the more vulnerable.

that's what i've learned now, i should have learned that when i was born but i kept hoping for otherwise, bc i needed somebody to save me, fuck all this social media instagram therapy influencer bullshit, "we are relational creatures" she told me, & she told me she would genuinely miss me if i were gone, & we barely knew each other. & i knew she meant it more than any of you other fucking hypocrites who would teleport immediately away from somebody who was genuinely suffering in front of you in a way you refuse to understand. { unfinished }

i have talked to — probably way more, in number, than the average human being, especially since i mostly talked to non-Insane people — many, many, many people over the years about my suicidal feelings.

all of my close friends, &, crucially, people who told me they would support me,

abandoned me

without any communication, notice, or warning.

it wasn't until after i turned 32 that a single friend ever told me that they would be sad if i died.

individual saneists' choices

to commit seemingly tiny acts of

saneism <=> ableism <=> western imperialist white supremacist capitalist individualism,

strengthen a system that murders the lives of precious human beings

with suicide.

i tried to guilt myself to have a will to live last spring, when [] passed.

but i know now that it is not my fault, my guilt — but saneist individuals who spill the blood.

rest in peace, ~.

i hope you got to go
wherever you wanted to go,
when you left us.

i'm sorry that this
suicidist saneist ableist society
murdered you.