TRIGGER WARNING: EVERYTHING

if you are more privileged, you need to challenge yourself to face reality.

okay, here are more specific trigger warnings:

food mention, eating mention,
ab*se mention, s**cide,
psych prison, psych ab*se,
mentions of ab*se/s*xual ab*se/r*pe,
mention of fetishization of asians

3 poems, and an accidental (because i didn't plan it, lol) sharing of my lived experiences in psych prison, and an accidental sharing of some of my self-formed indie analysis of saneism, and its function in society.

JANUARY THIRTIETH, TWENTY-SEVENTEEN

/

first public poem of 2017

This is your life.

This is your reality.

This is not what you dreamed up when You were a kid,

when you were 20,

when you were 21 and 22 and 23.

this is not what you expected.

sitting on a couch in hong kong.

sending emails to yourself because you’re so desperate for love

you’re 26 but you tell everyone you’re 27.

sometimes you wonder if anyone would care if you lied and just said you were 28.

does it really matter?

but then you think well what if someone finds out you lied and then nobody trusts anything else you do for the rest of your life or that any of your work is good.

ALL///NOTHING

all or nothing.

[i think i was talking about the white male who called the cops on me in february 2016, here] ruined me and i hate it.

i hate admitting it.

i honestly don’t understand how people can go back to their exes.

They must not have the kinds of exes I have.

my ex-lovers are dead. i am 26. i want to write poetry. this is the only kind of poetry i know how to write.

i am rewiring my brain with love by force. and it sucks. and it hurts.

Love isn’t enough if I’m not number one.

not a belief. a choice i’ve made. a choice i want

i want to eat more dumplings.

mango chicken sandwich.

This is my life. This isn’t anyone else’s. sitting on a couch in the middle of the pacific ocean. eating box sandwiches and being reminded of the uk. wishing things were different. wishing i had a childhood that doesn’t exist. wishing i had things that don’t exist. wishing. wishing, hoping, dreaming.

living in the past because being pulled into the future by time is too frightening and out of my control.

I’m getting older.

the past is comforting in its pain and suffering and struggle.

i don’t know how to be with other people. a huge part of me resents it at this point.

thinking being in community means losing myself

thinking collaborating means giving myself away

means i have to give someone else my entire soul in order to love them.

moving on. losing control. i’m always

i’m

always

afraid

of

losing

control

and

i

have

every few years

i’m so scared i’ll lose control

and then i see

that i do

and i lose things

well

you can’t prevent loss.

/

05:19pm

stop telling me to go to therapy.

stop telling me to call a hotline.

stop telling me to get a job.

stop telling me it’s my fault.

stop telling me i’m self-destructive when i spend half my week going to "health""care" professionals.

only the shittiest people would blame someone for having cancer.

my father would tell me it was steve jobs’ fault for being vegetarian that he died of cancer.

stop blaming people.

stop blaming people.

stop blaming people for the life things that happened to them.

stop hitting me and then telling me it’s my fault that you chose to hit me.

stop telling me i wanted you to encourage me to kill myself.

STOP TELLING ME TO GO TO THERAPY

STOP TELLING ME TO TAKE MEDS

IT TOOK ME DECADES AND I FINALLY DID

AND I STILL WAKE UP AFTER ONLY SLEEPING TWO HOURS IN TWO WEEKS WITH VOICES IN MY HEAD SCREAMING AT ME TO KILL MYSELF.

IF YOU WANT ME TO GET BETTER,

BUILD ME A FUCKING TIME MACHINE

GO BACK TO BEFORE I WAS BORN AND FORCE MY PARENTS TO CHANGE INTO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PEOPLE

GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY SO I CAN GO TO A RICH KIDS’ MENTAL "HEALTH" FACILITY INSTEAD OF THE COUNTY HOSPITAL LIKE ALL THE OTHER POOR HOMELESS AND ALMOST HOMELESS PEOPLE

FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU!

FUCK ALL OF YOU. FUCK ALL OF YOU SO FUCKING MUCH. FUCK YOU.

/

JANUARY 2023 — NOTES:

i later found out that i actually did NOT go to a "county hospital [psych prison]". { i did not really know much about where i was at the time, since usually when people are taken to psych prison, they're not always in the uh, best of states. }

i actually was at private psych prisons, that i think were being paid by the state { since i'm on poor people's insurance }. i knew it was covered by my insurance, which is why i thought it was a "county" psych prison.

it's hilarious that they're actually privately owned (or, makes sense? idk, EVERYTHING sucks lol), because they were so fucking awful lmfao.

They didn't even have therapists you could talk to.

in one of the psych prisons i was in, you talked to a nurse that asked you general check-in questions for a maximum of 5 minutes every day.

zero therapy. zero therapists.

Psych prison staff are inherently abusive, since psych hospitals are prisons — you are not allowed to leave without permission, you have no privacy (even when you go to the bathroom), and psych prison staff forcibly drug you.

Oftentimes, psych prison staff are also sexually abusive.
Physical abuse, sexual abuse, and r*pe of disabled and neuro-different people is very common, ESPECIALLY in hospital settings, where they are most vulnerable, or even unresponsive/unconscious. (including medical hospitals, i.e. places that are not psych prisons)

(Of course, all of this abuse happens to disabled and neuro-different people outside of hospitals, too.)

Psych prison staff are basically cops and prison wardens.

Also, ALL mental "health""care" in usameriKKKa serves to uphold white supremacy, capitalism, and hegemony, and to make you "normal" and "quiet enough" again.

The function of saneism=ableism
and the societal/neurotypical coercion enforced on everybody
to follow the neuro-normative dominant social order

is to attempt
to prevent you from speaking out.

*These thoughts are informed by my lived experiences, my own analysis, and my conversations with my Mad comrades. These thoughts are not from any book.

Mad activism and the movements for abolishing psychiatry, Mad Justice, and Mad Liberation, are dominated by whites, academics, people who are part of the system itself (e.g. therapists and social workers), and non-profits (slash any/all of the above, often at once).

That's a bad thing, because that means that information, knowledge, and the opportunity to share your story is gatekept from the "ordinary" individual, unless you are in academia, or being exploited by the psychiatric system/industrial-complex itself, to validate itself.

/

I WANT TO BE A WHITE GIRL

january 2023 note: this is actually one of my favourite poems i've written! ever? i don't know. i've written a lot of poetry over the years, especially stuff that i haven't published yet. thanks, trauma & over a decade of worsening disability!

{ the previous two were from 2017.01.30. }
2017.01.31.

I WANT TO BE A WHITE GIRL

JANUARY 2017.

CONTENT:
ANTI-ASIAN RACISM
/ FETISHIZATION

/

I WANT TO BE A WHITE GIRL

I WANT TO CRAWL OUT OF MY SKIN
AND INTO SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE
INTO A BODY AND BRAIN WITH LESS PAIN

I WANT TO CRAWL OUT OF MY SKIN
AND INTO A WHITE WOMAN'S
SO THE WORLD WILL LOVE ME MORE

DON'T TELL ME
ASIAN WOMEN ARE POWERFUL
JUST BECAUSE WHITE MALES WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THEM.

WHEN YOUR ONLY IDENTITY
IS SEX OBJECT
ULTIMATE FETISH

WHEN YOUR ONLY SOURCE OF SUPPOSED "POWER"
IS SOMETHING YOU COULDN'T CONTROL
THE SKIN YOU WERE BORN IN

WHEN THE ONLY THING YOU HAVE
TO LOOM OVER SOMEBODY'S HEAD
IS IF YOU'LL FUCK THEM OR NOT

LITTLE SUBMISSIVE GIRL
TOY THAT YOU CAN BREAK
I KNOW THAT'S THE ONLY REASON MEN ARE NICE TO ME

I WANT TO WRITE A NEW NARRATIVE.
I AM A CRAZY CHINESE TRANS.
I AM LITERALLY, INSTITUTIONALLY, MENTALLY INSANE.

FAMILY CASTS THE FIRST WOUNDS
PATRIARCHY SETS THE INK.
OUTSIDERS WERE JUST AS DANGEROUS AS YOUR FAMILY WAS.

YOU GREW UP THINKING THE WORLD WOULD BE SO KIND
AFTER YOUR BLOOD RELATIONS WERE SO CRUEL
YOU GREW UP TRUSTING THAT THE INVISIBLE SKY PATRIARCH WOULD TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOU THAN YOUR BIOLOGICAL FATHER DID

YOU WERE WRONG.

/

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