i remember snatches of moments. living life as nightmare. crying in parks. staring out the window into pouring rain and feeling heavy and unwanted and cold, the kind of cold like i shouldn't have sent an abusive person that email because they are just going to blame me. i told them that people, especially men, get angry at me because i don't turn out exactly who /they/ want me to be. like clockwork, he was angry about that.
you observe people, you know. you observe them and sometimes they delight you and other times they disappoint you. but most of the time you wonder how they can be so cruel.