photograph of Sonic Adventure 1 game manual. text says: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG. He's the world's fastest, hypersonic hedgehog! With a strong love of freedom, the only thing Sonic hates is oppression.

🌊水仙 shuixian✨

definitionally psychotic. formerly homeless, housing unstable, & chronically s--cidal. severely Disabled by violence.🌷 this is my only consistent income. 💙please support me!💙

"your last letter hit me in a way i didn’t think was possible.
e
verything you write is like a thousand bells ringing into my soul."
slg, 2011

"from time i've known you, i remember how much honesty & intention you bring to calling out bullshit & bringing about positive change." — tc, 2021

"like you tell me i'm wise, but i don't have the wisdom that would keep me alive after near-constant s--cidal ideation & attempts for over a decade." — y, 2021

"i hope to channel even a fraction of the righteous anger & drive for justice that you model." — m, 2022

"too intense", "too depressing", "too happy", "too depressed", "too anxious", "exhausting", "overwhelming", "weird", "annoying", "cringe", "ugly", "sociopath"
many, many people, including most so-called "leftists" i've met, all of whom had more money / capital / systemic power / better childhoods than me, 1993—present

"i bet even if people could read your mind, they wouldn't be able to understand the complexity & nuance that you bring to conversations & thinking in general... your compassion & kindness isn't something people can read & emulate, unless they actually believe in that form of radical love" — s, 2023

 

NEW — now, *everybody* who supports at $5+, you'll get access to the entire archive of past private posts, you'll receive new private posts, & also you'll receive private previews of my future work.

— i will share new work when i want to. i do not share new work when i do not want to, or when i am not doing well (which is often).

please treat your support as an ongoing commitment to solidarity, to another human being's well-being. 👭👬👫💞🩵💙🤍🩷❤️❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙💜🖤🩶🤍❣️💓💕💞💘💗💖💝❤️‍🔥

 

✨ ✨ ✨

🌻 salutations, suiteheart! i'm 水仙 shuixian💙🌷

i'm a housing unstable, formerly homeless, chronically s--cidal, super traumatized, poor/impoverished, & severely Insane, Sick, & Disabled human being, & i am a survivor of extreme daily mental+physical violence by multiple abusers for several decades, several decades of unsafe housing/housing instability/homelessness, police brutality, many instances of white strangers calling the cops on me for existing in public & not harming anybody, multiple s--cide attempts, many psych incarcerations, & this fucked up world, in general. 🦋🌸

if you appreciate my existence, please support me!!🙏😍💘

 

your support is the only (semi-) consistent income i have. 😳🙈😍

 

* they are only semi-consistent, because they depend on your support being consistent.

you & i both deserve love, joy, support, food, housing, & all of our emotional & physical needs met!regardless of your or my ability to labour!

i am still impoverished & housing unstable, because i am too Disabled to conform to capitalism's ableist demands.
i currently cannot pay my rent regularly, & i am many months behind on my utilities bills. i am on food stamps. i am presently trying to heal from decades of daily violence, poverty, & housing instability / homelessness. i have very little social support or support with financial resources.

you can contribute material solidarity today!!🫶😍💘 especially if you're white, or pre-disabled, or male, cis, het, housed, comfortable, etc. 🫵😱‼️

 

if you subscribe, you'll receive my writing, art, & even more! (that i can't post on social media, bc it would be censored! 😱😭💀) if you subscribe at $5 or more, you’ll receive private posts & secret sneak previews of future projects.💙💙💙

thank you so much!!🫶😍💙

 

✨ ✨ ✨

❤️‍🔥 make one-time donations: ❤️‍🔥

♡ cash app: $suis
♡ venmo: @shuixian

for international donations ["friends & family payment" only, please!]
 paypal: s [@ sign] rose . blue

✨ ✨ ✨

you & i both deserve a loved, joyful, supported, housed, fed life, regardless of your or my abilities/output of labour! due to my fluctuating sicknesses, i do not promise you consistent work, if any work at all. i have spent many years at a time unexpectedly unable / too disabled to function much, let alone write or create.

i'm not perfect, & i'm not here to be "right". i won't word things "perfectly", i will *never* have "perfect" actions, politics, or analysis, & i will never know everything. we are all always learning & growing. perfectionism is white supremacist settler-colonizer ableist capitalist culture. "perfection" means no possible change or growth, so it is impossible to attain, & i do not strive for it. let us unlearn, & learn, together.

my content notes are for fellow survivors of abuse. more privileged people are always actively encouraged to challenge themselves to face reality.

✨✨✨

🔪 read: ANTIHEROINE.  😍‼️

😭 fuck inst*gr*m— @ ANTIHEROINE.co, on ig!   /   @ my art! on FUCK_SHUIXIAN   /   @ suicidism = saneism = ableism is eugenics Naziism fascism.

✨✨✨

i am a deeply anxious human being with a lot of boundaries & disabilities. this is why i intentionally provide no public method to contact me. please respect this & if you ever want to send me fan mail, please write a love letter to a friend/loved one or homeless stranger or tree instead. if you want to connect with others or need support, i encourage you to look up peer support, non~carceral warmlines, & peer~run support groups, online & in your area.

note — i do not consent to any of my work or image being used for AI, or any other exploitative or bad faith purposes. \ i acknowledge that i write from a usameriKKKa-centred perspective. i do this bc i presently live in usameriKKKa, & i don't think that i can claim that i presently understand any other society well enough to comment on it. \ disclaimer — my work is not therapy. i am not a medical professional. i am not liable/responsible for anybody's choices. \ english is my 3rd language, & people forced me to learn it through physical violence. \ i do not endorse any of the actions or beliefs, etc., of anybody i quote. life doesn't work like that. \ i do not claim to "represent" any community. i am just one single human being. i can only ever speak for myself. \ i know that some other mentally ill people may not like how i talk about mental illness. that's fine, it's not illegal to disagree. it's not illegal to write about suicide, either, btw.

54

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Latest Posts

worshiping the altar [sic] of ok

Posted by 水仙 on Nov 13, 2023

listen

Posted by 水仙 on Nov 10, 2023

[secret] october 25th, 2011: the inevitable crinkling

Posted by 水仙 on Oct 26, 2023
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Free Palestine! 🇵🇸 from the river to the sea, palestine will be free!

Posted by 水仙 on Oct 23, 2023

social isolation causes brain damage

Posted by 水仙 on Oct 22, 2023

secret NEW single!?!?! jk it's 10 years old lol

Posted by 水仙 on Oct 19, 2023
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[secret] october 13th, 2012: ...

Posted by 水仙 on Oct 14, 2023
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[secret] october 12th, 2013: evergreen

Posted by 水仙 on Oct 13, 2023
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super secret post... don't read ;) [winking face emoticon]

Posted by 水仙 on Oct 10, 2023
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i remember everything

Posted by 水仙 on Oct 10, 2023

this could be paradise

Posted by 水仙 on Oct 07, 2023

i'm not struggling with my mental health

Posted by 水仙 on Sep 30, 2023

[secret] and someday i'll just be seafoam too

Posted by 水仙 on Sep 30, 2023
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are rich people happier than you?

Posted by 水仙 on Sep 19, 2023
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[secret] do you have a guardian angel?

Posted by 水仙 on Sep 15, 2023
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swell//sway

Posted by 水仙 on Sep 14, 2023
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BREAKING: are rich people better than you?

Posted by 水仙 on Sep 09, 2023
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[secret] trauma porn

Posted by 水仙 on Sep 07, 2023
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ISSUING A CORRECTION TO THE LAST POST

Posted by 水仙 on Aug 31, 2023
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a white boy once wrote that the deepest circle of hell is betrayal

Posted by 水仙 on Aug 26, 2023
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[secret] here's an unfinished draft for you to read

Posted by 水仙 on Aug 25, 2023
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unpublished draft, 2015 december

Posted by 水仙 on Aug 16, 2023
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[secret] chubby, misunderstood, & NOT immortal

Posted by 水仙 on Aug 15, 2023
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HAVING A HEART COSTS YOU. [ this is NOT the title of this poem. this poem has no title. ]

Posted by 水仙 on Aug 12, 2023

 

every evening i
massage gold
into the fault-lines of my cells

 

 

 

i once touched a tree with charred limbs

Posted by 水仙 on Aug 06, 2023

[secret] july 3rd, 2016

Posted by 水仙 on Aug 03, 2023
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Monday Motivation! #016

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 31, 2023

just fucking suck it up

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 27, 2023

Monday Motivation! #015 — Solidarity + Support to the WGA + SAG-AFTRA Strikes!

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 24, 2023

[secret] everybody else has more friends than me (i think)

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 24, 2023
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i double-dog dare you to read this

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 21, 2023

Monday Motivation! #014

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 17, 2023

where you can see all the lights from the houses in the distance

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 17, 2023

blue roses bloom only with no sunlight

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 14, 2023

[secret] 12 suns ago

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 12, 2023
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Posted by 水仙 on Jul 12, 2023

Monday Motivation! Lucky #013

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 10, 2023

when i turned 26 years old in a psych prison, a man who had drank a gallon of bleach told me that i'm beautiful

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 08, 2023

七夕

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 07, 2023

Monday Motivation! #012

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 03, 2023

if you ever feel like a failure, please realize that it's actually just capitalism that's the big ol' failure, and it's victim-blaming you.

 

 

 

in your dreams, i told you that you're beautiful

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 01, 2023

"it just doesn't feel right that assholes get to stay, & not you"

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 28, 2023

i had a dream about you

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 26, 2023

Monday Motivation! #011

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 26, 2023

MER SEA

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 23, 2023

Rise of the Chronically Suicidal Influenza

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 22, 2023

Rise of the Chronically Suicidal Influencer

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 22, 2023

Heavy 0

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 20, 2023
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Heavy I [private]

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 20, 2023
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are you a "recovering people-pleaser"?

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 20, 2023

idk, i've been holding onto these draft notes for a while:

- "recovering people-pleaser" to "everybody's toxic + my peace is most important" pipeline, lol

- "recovering people-pleaser" to "boundaries i don't owe anybody anything" pipeline

Those are just some of my thoughts on it. I will expand more later. Take care!

 

Monday Motivation! #010

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 19, 2023

What do you feel <=> think is the psychic damage that *you* suffer when you hurt another human being?

survivor-centered justice, not abuse apologism!

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 13, 2023

You can only ever completely trust what you yourself experience directly.

Not what other people TELL you to believe.

hero-post

Monday Motivation! #009

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 12, 2023

FIRE

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 10, 2023

you tried to burn me alive

but instead

you taught me

how to invent

a new kind of fire

 

POWER

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 10, 2023

Monday Motivation! #008

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 05, 2023

What you choose to do & say will always impact other human beings. Your choices even impact human beings you don't know.

It's also your choice what to do with your awareness of this fact.

a poem about generational trauma

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 02, 2023

[secret] usameriKKKa runs on conflict avoidance🫶 [heart hands emoji]

Posted by 水仙 on May 30, 2023
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Monday Motivation! Lucky #007

Posted by 水仙 on May 29, 2023

/

it can feel scary to shift into a new paradigm, even if you know in your heart that it's the right one.

/

[secret] my life goal

Posted by 水仙 on May 27, 2023
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no matter how many fans i have, i still feel ugly + hate myself

Posted by 水仙 on May 26, 2023

capitalism is the opposite of love.

Posted by 水仙 on May 23, 2023

love is the opposite of capitalism.

Monday Motivation! #006

Posted by 水仙 on May 22, 2023

do you have adhd?

Posted by 水仙 on May 18, 2023

onions.txt

Posted by 水仙 on May 17, 2023

Monday Motivation! #005

Posted by 水仙 on May 16, 2023

23 / 15

Posted by 水仙 on May 13, 2023

[secret] private notes dump #2

Posted by 水仙 on May 11, 2023
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Monday Motivation! #003

Posted by 水仙 on May 09, 2023

you would like to think you would like me if you knew me, but i know you would really not like me once you really know me

Posted by 水仙 on May 06, 2023

Rest in Paradise, Jordan Neely.

Posted by 水仙 on May 04, 2023

Monday Motivation! #002 / May Day Motivation!

Posted by 水仙 on May 01, 2023

Monday Motivation! #001

Posted by 水仙 on Apr 24, 2023
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i eat covid-19 minimizers for dinner

Posted by 水仙 on Apr 20, 2023

[secret] private notes dump #1

Posted by 水仙 on Apr 18, 2023
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protect your peace

Posted by 水仙 on Apr 12, 2023

disabilities and death, taxes, & usa government interventions — morning thoughts, 2023.04.07.

Posted by 水仙 on Apr 07, 2023

ἐλεγείᾱ

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 31, 2023

Wear a N95/equivalent face mask + Filter your air + Hang out masked outdoors + Don't eat indoors.

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 28, 2023

Untitled.txt

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 26, 2023

elegy × 2

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 24, 2023

fuck tiktok

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 24, 2023

Nice Justice System You Got There...

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 22, 2023

3 years ago, i was broken up with at a park a few blocks northeast from my apartment on the sunday morning before covid-19 lockdown started that night on stolen Dxʷdəwʔabš Lands

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 20, 2023

so i found this poem about okc*pid... [ok this post ended up being about saneism & misogyny lol]

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 19, 2023

i don't want power, i want love

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 16, 2023

TRUTH HURTS BUT IS NOT HARM.

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 16, 2023

 

 

 

#sixwords#

 

morning thoughts, 2023.03.16.

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 16, 2023

but what exactly *is* saneism?

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 13, 2023

sneak preview — exciting new post !!! { *seriously* }

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 13, 2023
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EVERYBODY HATES ME / NOBODY LOVES ME / EVERYBODY HATES ME

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 05, 2023

 

 

 

 

 

a sequel to this.

00001. thoughts on fake "leftist" "grassroots" "mutual aid" technically-non-nonprofits

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 03, 2023

#1 top dating tip

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 03, 2023

[] MARCH 8TH, 2020

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 03, 2023
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heavy email body

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 03, 2023
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AMATEUR

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 02, 2023

NOBODY LOVES ME

Posted by 水仙 on Feb 24, 2023

WHO GETS TO BE SEEN AS "LOVEABLE" & CAREABOUTABLE IN A SANEIST, ABLEIST, CIS-HETERO-PATRIARCHAL, WHITE SUPREMACIST, CAPITALIST SOCIETY?

Posted by 水仙 on Feb 24, 2023

SUPER BLUE LAVENDER

Posted by 水仙 on Feb 21, 2023

[SECRET] ONE POEM

Posted by 水仙 on Feb 19, 2023
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"WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE SIGNS." I CARRY MY SIGN WITH ME EVERYWHERE. IT DOESN'T MAKE ANYBODY TREAT ME ANY BETTER.

Posted by 水仙 on Feb 14, 2023

Loss 2?.txt

Posted by 水仙 on Feb 10, 2023

the feeling of loss is there.
like something is missing.
something you didn't even miss
or really think about consciously
when you had it.

 

— 2021 february 9, 1:06am

2013.02.06.

Posted by 水仙 on Feb 07, 2023

[SECRET PREVIEW] TO NON-INSANE "ABOLITIONISTS"

Posted by 水仙 on Feb 07, 2023
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HERE. HERE IS WHERE THE PAIN IS.

Posted by 水仙 on Feb 03, 2023

I WANT TO BE A WHITE GIRL [2017]

Posted by 水仙 on Jan 29, 2023

meritocracy isn't real

Posted by 水仙 on Jan 28, 2023

i wrote this a little over a year ago. it's just as relevant as ever.

i really wish ableists=eugenicists would just shut the fuck up, & wear a mask.

 

Here's a great way to make money: Have rich white parents.

 

*the article title is intentionally troll-y, yes

ALL laws are enforced by white supremacists with guns, aka cops

Posted by 水仙 on Jan 28, 2023

IS SUICIDE PREVENTABLE UNDER CAPITALISM?

Posted by 水仙 on Jan 28, 2023

JANUARY 28, 2013 [1+2]

Posted by 水仙 on Jan 27, 2023

ELEGY

Posted by 水仙 on Jan 17, 2023

THE DAY I LOST MY VOICE.TXT

Posted by 水仙 on Jan 12, 2023

IN THIS TIME OF GLOBAL ILLNESS & COLLAPSE, ARE YOU REALLY OKAY WITH THE WAY YOU'VE TREATED OTHER PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE?

Posted by 水仙 on Jan 04, 2023

don't let western media's coverage of China make you Sinomisic or racist against Chinese people

Posted by 水仙 on Dec 21, 2022

december 20th, 2012

Posted by 水仙 on Dec 20, 2022

wear a face mask. covid-19 is no joke.

Posted by 水仙 on Dec 20, 2022

PSA: get 4 more free at-home COVID tests, US residents!

Posted by 水仙 on Dec 15, 2022

illness & collapse

Posted by 水仙 on Dec 15, 2022
hero-post

Abuse Apologism 1997

Posted by 水仙 on Dec 11, 2022

december 7th, 2012

Posted by 水仙 on Dec 08, 2022

november 20th, 2015 — 7:22am

Posted by 水仙 on Dec 05, 2022

solidarity means that you take action as if you genuinely believe that every other human being's life is just as important as yours.

Posted by 水仙 on Nov 30, 2022

new ANTIHEROINE. post, by me:

who cares? it's not illegal to be a shitty person *shrug*

 

here's a link to a post you can share on instagram, if you want

 

i begrudgingly use instagram
even though i'm most likely
already "shadowbanned"
on all four of my accounts

november 28th, 2012

Posted by 水仙 on Nov 28, 2022
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you could make this place beautiful

Posted by 水仙 on Nov 22, 2022

Monday, November 21st, 2022

Posted by 水仙 on Nov 21, 2022

1 in 5 adults who get COVID become Disabled with Long COVID. Stop fucking around with those odds. Wear a fucking mask.

Posted by 水仙 on Nov 19, 2022

[NEW article] What's suicidism? The systemic oppression of Suicidal people.

Posted by 水仙 on Sep 13, 2022

062612 sea salt.txt

Posted by 水仙 on Sep 06, 2022
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Learn the facts about hMPXV (aka monkeypox): Signs, symptoms, diagnosis, & treatment 😷 (i wrote this)

Posted by 水仙 on Aug 23, 2022

the water that brings this wounding cold

Posted by 水仙 on Aug 20, 2022

the desire for a pure future / is one of my most unreasonable & unrealistic drives

Posted by 水仙 on Aug 06, 2022
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content creator? more like i'm a DIScontent creator... lol...!!! (pls don't steal my joke thankx)

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 30, 2022
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😌 happiness is overrated

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 26, 2022

[poem] what i told her { from my forthcoming poetry book, SEASONGS, b.12.12.12 }

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 22, 2022

solidarity & high school

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 19, 2022

i really wanted to send this to you on july 6th, but then i didn't

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 08, 2022
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vulnerability.txt

Posted by 水仙 on Jul 01, 2022

091813 attention.txt

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 18, 2022

The light of my electronics
is too bright.
An echo in the night.
Always, always something
calling for the most expensive
currency. The most expensive
currency you dole out
daily: attention.

 

# 2013
# poetry

bullets & windchimes

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 10, 2022
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🌌 constellations.txt — 2013 january 16th

Posted by 水仙 on Jun 07, 2022

i burst open my own wounds

and cut open my own flesh, like

stars: twinkling and constellating

in the reflection of the moon, simply

mirroring the sunlight.
burning, burning.

-- to the ground.

2013 january 16th

---

# poetry
# 2013
# space songs
# moon songs

i'm never going to tell anyone my secrets again

Posted by 水仙 on May 19, 2022

[poem] the geography of your body

Posted by 水仙 on May 18, 2022
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[poem] alone on the california coast

Posted by 水仙 on May 06, 2022

alone on the california coast
and i often wish i were the only human being in the world
so that nobody can hurt me
and i can't hurt anybody else

 

 

 

# poetry # written this morning

🌄 untitled on a sunday morning, 2012

Posted by 水仙 on May 01, 2022

has had [͖̮͙̀̆̑ṛ͔̤̒̍͗ë͎̀̾͟͜d̨̲͓͂̉̀ḁ͉̫̈͞͡c̨̡̠̓̃͠t͍͚̣̽̀͠e̱͔̺̎̌͝ḏ̠̳͊̒͝]̹̜̖̉̄͘ erased from their memory. Please never mention that relationship to them again.

Posted by 水仙 on Apr 22, 2022

My parents never asked me "have you eaten yet?" because they don't love me

Posted by 水仙 on Apr 14, 2022

🌔 moonsongs.02222012

Posted by 水仙 on Apr 12, 2022

PSA: U.S. Residents can order a 2nd set of free COVID-19 at-home tests now

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 27, 2022

Crying about capitalism, Part I [2020.03.09]

Posted by 水仙 on Mar 21, 2022
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