Posted by grillcover on May 20, 2022
Originally published: 9/19/2020
Reflections: (January - August 2020)
This is going to be a bit different than past months. I'd kept my monthly Reflections & Intentions more or less on schedule, but this year's been a historic whirlwind and I haven't been able to keep up. I also have too much to reflect on, and too many intentions, than can be contained in this single public post, so I'll save those for future posts as I unpack everything.
This post is "pre." Much of it was written in February before my trip, and then late March immediately upon my return. The rest will need some deeper dives, but I hope to capture a bit in summary. What strikes me now is how much deeper, and stronger, and truer the hope is by the end, despite the loss of innocence and darkness that takes hold.
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Overall, my general intention from January to build on a routine didn't pan out. Between my expanding work schedule and the performances I was working on, with breaking world news every day as the primary campaigns heated up -- my attention was overloaded.
On the plus side, the performances were a success! I performed with Broken Box Mime Theater at APAP for our third time -- and we're starting to get some major leads. Obviously with the pandemic our China tour will have to wait, but it's pretty validating to have our work seen and appreciated at higher and higher levels.
Below: Artistic Director Becky Baumwoll at the BKBX booth in the Times Square Hilton, where we performed on January 11th.
It was also in January that I started getting more involved in the Bernie Sanders campaign, volunteering my time to the #NotMeUS movement online and off. At the time I saw a clear path to victory, through the splintered establishment lane and a waning progressive draw from the Warren campaign-- finally, a real chance for the Democratic Party to run (and win!) on an unabashedly progressive platform in the modern era.
In preparation for phonebanking, and to generally be better prepared for conversations online and with friends, I wanted to review all of Bernie's platform stances on the issues. So I took to my Twitch stream and held what I called a "streambanking" session, where over the course of four hours I reviewed all of the then 33 issue summaries and led a discussion with viewers about politics. I even publicly "canvassed" an Iowa caucuser, who hadn't received a call or a knock yet.
Below: A screenshot from the Bernie 2020 streambanking session, which I also edited down to under an hour, with just the overview of the issues.
With the primary in full swing and outrageous chicanery in Iowa, I committed to a road trip through Super Tuesday states, canvassing for the campaign on my way to Los Angeles to link up with BKBX for a gig there in mid-March. I figured as long as I found a subletter for my apartment and borrowed a car, I could bring enough work to cover the rest of my costs. It was a bit of a risk to put my NYC life on hold, but I'd also always wanted to go on a cross-country road trip, and this seemed like a perfect opportunity.
Just before I left, Broken Box had a works-in-progress presentation along with four other companies as a part of our Kitchen Sink Residency at Theatre Row, February 13th through 15th. We were tasked with showcasing 15 minutes of original work riffing on our proposed theme of "capacity," that we were originally commissioned to devise for a workshop this summer, and a full run next year.
We ended up presenting a telenovella farce, a smattering of physical/narrative images, and a meta-meta piece that somehow wasn't cringe and actually pretty stunning. Overall, it was really nice to have an artistic home for a while, and I'm so grateful we'll be able to go back. Our show should be coming out around the same time as the full adoption of a COVID-19 vaccine. We'll see if anything is able to keep on track for that.
Below: Some of the cast of the BKBX showcase at the after party at Theatre Row. I really like that new sweatshirt. (see above) L-R: Duane Cooper, Matt Zambrano, Blake Habermann, me, Becky Baumwoll, Joshua Wynter.
After our finale I left directly from the theater in Midtown to catch a train to Connecticut, where I was picking up the car. After a day resting with family, I set off early in the morning hoping to hit South Carolina by evening.
I'd wanted to canvass across several Super Tuesday states in the 2+ weeks before March 2nd, but at the time the campaign was focusing out-of-state volunteers on the four "early" states only. When I talked to a campaign organizer he recommended I spend some time in SC before the primary, and make a plan from there.
I knew I had to document my adventure somehow, but I also knew I'd already be working overtime, and don't really have a habit of posting very much. I decided to create a simple Twitter thread on what was then my gaming kayfabe account, at the time called "grillcover_games". This thread charts the journey, not always updated in real-time, of the whole "game." Like some of my other work, the "gamification" was a wry framing for things I actually take very seriously. But 2020 has been replete with "game over" moments.
As an adventure, it certainly didn't disappoint. There were countless scenes that seemed out of a movie and I genuinely thought, "Is this really happening?" Indeed, it was. The wheels of history were moving once again, and I was caught in the gears. The thread is genuinely worth the read, it's a hell of a trip.
I intend to reflect more on each stage, beyond what was captured in the Twitter travelogue, but for a brief summary of the 4,500-mile journey:
LEVEL 1 (Rock Hill, SC)
Worked for a little over a week, learning the basics of canvassing and GOTV.
LEVEL 2 (Winston-Salem, NC)
Spent three whirlwind days knocking doors and worked a Bernie rally with the man himself.
LEVEL 3 (Nashville, TN)
A tight few days helping foster the grassroots surge in a "lower priority" Super Tues state.
LEVEL 4 (Little Rock, AR)
Going solo in the suburbs, armed with high-tech canvassing tools & new expertise.
LEVEL 5 (Dallas, TX)
Spent Super Tuesday doing last-minute GOTV and watching returns with locals.
LEVEL 6 (Columbia, MO)
The better part of a week knocking doors, poll-driving, and seeing impending danger.
LEVEL 7 (World Of Ruin)
Pandemic hit while on the road; wandering between KS, TX and NM in search of a plan.
LEVEL 8 (The Camp)
Made camp for a week in and around Walsenburg, CO, isolating in my car & state parks.
LEVEL 9 (The Road)
With my subletter leaving early, I journeyed cross-country amid impending apocalypse.
GAME OVER
The end of March was spent mostly recuperating and adjusting to being back in my apartment in the global hot zone of NYC, with the bottom falling out of my freelance income (again), and dealing with a general despair about how world events were playing out.
I'm pretty sure April happened. Relief, delayed. Unemployment, ineligible. My main computer died, which sent me scrambling between setups for what little work I had, with many hours of frustration and troubleshooting, mourning my continually dashed plans. Maybe I completely dissociated for a few weeks after seeing Democrats insist on genocidal in-person primaries until Bernie dropped out, only to change their tune within hours on mail-in voting and postponement. In any case, April was largely lost to the pandemic. Most of May was, too.
Memorial Day weekend, I watched the Amy Cooper video and logged it as more foolish evidence of our white supremacist culture. I still haven't watched the George Floyd video. Instead, I spent the week of May 25-29 glued to my screen, mostly on Unicorn Riot's live video feed and Twitter, and watched the uprising in his name. I was "there" when the police escalated, when they looted the Target, when the liquor store burned with a poor soul still trapped inside, and for the final siege and eventual burning of the Minneapolis 3rd Police Precinct. I had no doubt of the history unfolding.
That weekend, I broke quarantine for the first time in months and rose up against the police. Those are stories for a different day, but it set me on a path in June, July, and August toward ever-greater political engagement, organizing, and activism. I'd already been feeling a bit lost when it came to COVID-era theater, but the radical political shift I was seeing and feeling inspired me to take some formal moves, stepping away from the AMiOS Coop and remaining on the sidelines as Broken Box dove into making some truly inspired kids' content for this new world.
The summer since has been a mad dash getting up to speed as an organizer and dissident, with deep research into prison/police abolition and the Black radical tradition, and continuing my broad survey of socialism, anarchism, and other theory, history, and practice to help this moment bring about genuinely revolutionary change. I have been getting more and more involved with the Democratic Socialists of America around things like the #DefundNYPD campaign, protesting with a coalition of tenants' groups in Brooklyn to #CancelRent, and more. I want these efforts to become a major part of my practice and what I post about here and elsewhere.
Fortunately, as the world began to adapt to the "next normal," work on the transcript front began to pick up especially in August. With both a full load of my own freelance work, and the service I work for needing all hands on deck, I put my nose to the grindstone to make up for lost time, missed stimulus checks, and debts from a time when there was still time. And as there's only so much time left before things completely unravel-- which will come with droughts and costs of all kinds-- I've been at the grindstone ever since.
Intentions: (September 2020)
In my head and heart, the artwork continues. Conceptually, at least, systems and visions and interwoven practices percolate. So much of the groundwork has been laid; many of my plans from the before-time seem even better suited to these times. And yet.
I have a deadline for certain things, if not before my birthday next Monday than for the month. Getting this post done, getting the travelogue finished, clearing out my freelance work and filing all necessary paperwork -- these are the most important things. This I see giving myself, as well as days of protest for at least my birthday and for October 1st.
But having that bare minimum (which will be incredible!) done this month leaves out much of what I'd intended for September. With so many crises coming to a head, I'd hoped to be more involved on the streets and organizationally. There are several canvasses, actions, and meetings I have my eye on for the rest of the month that I'd intended to participate in. I'd also hoped this month could be spent finally going through my Big List of Everyone, filling people in on personal developments and maybe engaging them politically. I even had interest in a protest date.
The reminder I'll give myself is that my sense of urgency, though justified, is exacerbated by my newness to this real work, and I must have patience with myself, as with others, and with the events unfolding. Mindfully, consistently making progress will put me in a much better position come October and November than cyclically burning out, floundering, and continuing to be a mess if (and when) shit really hits the fan.